I would like to begin this journey of sharing my inner-most parts and reflections with the world by explaining why I have chosen now, of all times, to construct it. To accomplish such a task, will be quite a lengthy process, I must warn, for, as you will soon realize, there is never solely one reason or thought to my actions. My mind runs deep, constantly engrossed in it’s topic of interest and will, without fair warning, go into more detail than even I wish to be shared. So, if you choose to continue along on this subconscious road of continual elaboration, you must brace yourself, for I do not tread lightly.
Starting off, you must know, this most certainly is not a spur-of-the-moment kind of decision. Allow me to, briefly, take you down memory lane. Landing at about three years ago, freshly entering the ‘wonderland’ that is public middle school, I discovered my extraordinary gift of writing in excessive amounts in assignments that did not have a need for such extensity. I was aware that many other students did not go into such detail and length as I, in their work but I just couldn’t help it. In order for me to feel satisfied with my paper, I had to have every point and every thought down or else it would become excruciatingly unsettling. Little did I know, that an obsessively perfectionist teen would go on to realize that those inordinate scribbles were not only something she was compelled to finish, but also an activity she genuinely took pleasure and gratification in–not, necessarily, a surprising discovery considering English has been an age-old favorite subject of mine. This habit quickly transpired into a fascination regarding the expression of words on paper, and over the years, they desired beyond only me as their audience. At the closing of 2016, it finally dawned on me, I should create a blog. I began daydreaming topics of discussion and fretting over the possibility of other people actually reading something I wrote. Although I procrastinated why I shouldn’t for many months, ultimately, my love of writing was greater than my fear of rejection and I, finally, convinced myself to take the leap and stop waiting for a finalizing push that was never going to come.
This next point of determination was born out of spite for the sabotaging Jiminy Cricket of my subconscious. For anyone who has experienced perpetual anxiety you can relate-at least in part, depending on each person- to what I am referencing. Anxiety has been beyond a massive struggle of mine, especially in the last two years. It turns my mind into a frenzy of panic over a number of things but, most always, neighboring the opinion of others. This is exactly why the thought of opening myself up to criticism completely horrified me. If I can hardly manage a single conversation with the cashier at Walmart or an old friend I run into, some days, how could I possibly even consider the notion I was entertaining? That is precisely why I did it. There’s a difference between being controlled by something and allowing it to control you. I decided that not pursuing something that filled me with such enthusiasm and satisfaction fell well within the parameters of allowance, rather than inability. This was and is my proclamation to every doubt I hold in my jaded head. This is my choice to not give in.
Before I go on to the final reason behind the creation of this project, I want to warn any of those who feel the desire to panic at the mention of struggle or pain. By me mentioning any of the above terms, I am not admitting myself as mentally unstable or that my life is completely unbearable. It may come as a shock to some of you but sometimes life just isn’t foo foo kittens and rainbows. (Yes, you read that sentence correctly.) That isn’t to say it ever has been, buuuut.. let’s not get off-topic here. The beginning of what I would consider the downward slope, initiated with the three n’s of every great 80s flick: New city, new house, and no friends. This couldn’t be a more perfect recipe for disaster, being a person of my particularity. I had just lived in the same city for five years and hardly had three friends, the idea of starting over was unfathomable.
I complied, though, and you know what? Despite my first impressions of the dry and seemingly small (compared to where I used to live, that is) city… I actually disliked it MORE than I originally thought I would! At least at first, that is. Ending my Junior year in high school I finally was able to begin making connections and start to feel a bit more at ease with my situation. Good thing contentedness is over-rated anyway, because Lord knows it didn’t last long. Due to a sudden and unfortunate career change, I was thrown back into the loop and a mere six months after our settling, we moved once more. This time to an itty bitty town, surrounded by nothing but farmland, in the home my grandmother lives in. Without a doubt, this was the most stressful and unideal event that had ever occurred in my life. Goodbye spacious country living, hello crowded and overwhelming times. My six person family was hauled four hours upstate with everything we could cram into our two vehicles, while the remainder of our items resided in a storage unit, for the time being. We have all proclaimed exasperatedly, “There’s nothing to doooooooo!” in our lives, yes? Well, when I say there is nothing in this town and hardly in the cities around, I really mean nothing. Aside from the narrow chain of fast food joints around the cities (if that is what you would consider them), your options are pretty much limited to Walmart, thrift shops, and one book store. I love movies and food as much as the next person, but when your life is fundamentally watching movies in between and during meals, every day, you begin to feel extremely mentally disturbed and insane. This point in the story brings me to my final reasoning for creating this online record, of sorts. For my psychiatric well-being, as well as my compulsion to do something, anything, I need this blog. I need a project, an assignment that will continuously feed that dying flame within me and allow me to throw myself into it. This is that assignment and I intend to invest myself completely.
Yeah, you’re pretty much my last resort. Doesn’t that make you feel special? Haha, all jokes aside, help a poor girl out and subscribe to my page. I can use all the help I can get.. Tell me any thoughts you have on this piece and any ways I can improve. Can you relate to my experiences in any way? How do you feel about my reasoning behind creating this blog? Everything contributes to the growth of this page, I would greatly appreciate anything you have to offer. Until next time!