I’ve never been the type to hold grudges. Despite my numerous attempts at latching onto bitterness and harsh feelings, I simply cannot. I frequently find myself in situations where I am apologizing for things that are, without a doubt, not my fault, forming an internal god complex for those who were last found harming me, and, on a positive note, disregarding arguments between me and my loved ones to prevent resentment. Before I delve any further into this topic, I would like to clarify a couple things. First, in me speaking to this subject, I am in no manner, shape, or form advocating an idea that I am blameless from allowing anger to hurt my relationships. I have had my fair share of moments I am utterly humiliated to claim as my own. One thing does tend to separate me from a majority of other people, however, and that is what I plan to speak of. When I mentioned “grudges” above, I don’t just mean your typical, full-fledged, grudge people tend to get an image of when they hear the word. When I say “I’ve never been the type to hold grudges”, I really mean, I am mentally, physically, and spiritually incapable to fully hold rage and/or blame against another individual- which a grudge most definitely falls under the description of. I would, unquestionably, delight in being able to bask in the notion that I have somehow made the conscious decision to swear off hatred and live as an oh-so-amicable free spirit but, to be quite frank, that is the farthest thing from the truth, there could possibly be.
The only ‘decision’ I have made, even remotely related to any grievances, is to attempt at leaning into forgiveness, rather than fight it. Even that, at best, is an action prompted by my grudge-incapacity. The people-pleasing desire buried ampley within my core is the culprit behind this simultaneously beneficial and destructive mannerism of mine.
Never has there been a person, of interest, in my existence that I have not persistently strived to make me seem more appealing to, by way of action or word. This comes in relevance to our subject of matter when the stakes are heightened in how an outcome of an event or conversation will result and I am left either enraged or in the pits of despair.
Although, occasionally, it does take my body a good amount of time to react with my mind, ultimately, every fiber of my being longs for reconciliation and contentedness and will overcompensate my stationed position in the matter resulting in me gravely apologizing or attempting to make amends. I do not take any pleasure in apologizing for something I do not feel is truly my fault, more than the next person, but- the way I function- the fault becomes mine and I MUST atone for conflict that has occurred, regardless. If I do not comply to these commands, the guilt piles on and my heart becomes heavy until I come to the realization that I indeed would rather apologize for something that isn’t entirely my fault than sit and allow animosity to fester.
Is apologizing for an act or speech you do not feel is completely unreasonable really something that, completely, wrong? Life is filled with petty moments of feeling justified when to most others you clearly are not and times of forced admission of guilt when one truly is blameless. We don’t always get things right. Heck, even when the misconduct is predominantly on the other side, I can guarantee there is something I should apologize for within the dispute. I would much rather live in the “I’m sorry’s” and relish in the times of forgiveness and gratefulness with the ones I love than my name be survived by insignificant petulance. Pride is a difficult feeling to swallow. Alright, that is a major understatement. It feels like you are trying to swallow a freaking watermelon in one bite, often times. That is just the thing, though- it is a feeling. Is it not completely absurd that we are allowing our relationships with our significant others, siblings, friends, family members, to be diminished by a conviction amongst ourselves that we have to be right?
Feeling (n.): “physical sensation not connected with sight, hearing, taste, or smell.”
I am sorry to inform you but you have larger things in life to be concerned about than how your body is feeling in one, minute, moment on this infinite timeline that we have the privilege to inhabit. Stop wasting the days you have remaining on earth, bickering, holding on to astringency, and indulging egotistical behavior. Apologize for as much as you should- and sometimes even should not-, forgive as much as one ought to- beyond, oftentimes, as well-, and love as abundantly as possible.
How do you feel about resentment and grudges? Do you tend to be on the lenient or severe side? Do you agree with my stance on apologizing? Tell me your thoughts, I would thoroughly enjoy any you may have. See you Saturday!