Where hath thou gone in such bittersweet times? You swore your loyalty to me, pledged to never leave. Assured, time and time again, your dedication to me and only me. How foolish was I- your willing vessel- to act as your accomplice in all your reckless crimes? To trust your sweet words, promising me nothing but prosperity? I gripped your sturdy hands, whole-heartedly, prepared to take on anything together. I was not braced for the abandonment you had in store for me. When I crashed, I fell hard, no one to break my fall. I was forced to renew a life, I hardly knew at all- with you absent.. What have you done to me?
Life with you was so simple, nothing but charisma and joy. Where did I go wrong? United, we found all of the pleasantries life had to offer. Small children, chasing mystery and dancing to the heartbeat of the world. I recall basement lunchrooms, underwater utopias, and endless, ancient buildings, formed by our spritely imaginations. You put the bounce in my ever-curly hair. You transferred to me, your boundless energy. You were the playful story behind each scar upon my knee and bruise on my body. I hardly realized you were there, often times- we were so in sync with one another. No truer statement was spoken than this; you were a crucial piece of me and I took advantage of my privileges. I know not where you have gone to. What have I done with you?
It started with small withdrawals, absence in not highly relevant events. I found it peculiar, but tried my best to shake off the disorientation and keep the upbeat persona I had, so confidently, constructed many years ago. Next, it grew to much larger strides, removing yourself from parties we had planned for weeks and supposed friendly social gatherings. You apologized for each mishap, every confusion I was left desolate. The behavior never changed, though. You only grew worse. Day by day, I saw less and less of you and suddenly there was nothing at all. My heart yearned for your loving embrace and assurance, but you were nowhere to be found- a mere ghost in the wind. At the least I had your memory.. Right? On those extra harsh nights, I could remember our fond times together, conjure that inner warmth, left behind? No, you did not leave even that behind, not even a scrap. With a fine-toothed comb, you picked through all the pieces, every speck, and brought them with you on your travels. I hardly can recall even the faintest glimpse of your image, now. I miss you, dear friend.
Since the age of about 12, I have struggled with confidence. Confidence in myself, my work, my speech, my friends, and many other aspects of my life. I have always been the type to try and brush off how I was feeling in a moment and live to my best enjoyment but since the departure of a majority of my confidence, that has been exceedingly difficult. There is, often, this idea that confidence is a decision you can make or ignore. You are shy? Just DON’T BE SHY! You have anxiety? Just DON’T BE NERVOUS! You think you are terrible at everything? Just DON’T BELIEVE THAT! It- most definitely- is not that simple. Confidence has honestly become a separate being, hopping around from person to person. You can do all you can to hold on and believe in it’s loyalty, but you are never assured it will forever be by your side. In the blink of an eye, it can be gone. Typically, in this case, it will re-appear rather quickly, but for some, one instance is all it takes to alter the relationship they have with their confidence. For me, it was a build up, of sorts. Recurring events and awarenesses contorting my aging companion. This isn’t to say life does not go on. It will and it does. I admit, it is going to be difficult- some days more than others- but if you can keep putting one foot in front of the other, sooner or later you will form a far greater comrade than confidence, validation. The thing about confidence is, it does not have to be true. You can have confidence in yourself and actions but be utterly wrong. Time does not lie, though. As it passes, if you allow the change, it will occur and you will be surprised at the amount of validation you will receive in your hopes, and often times disbelief. You would not believe you could keep moving on in such grief, you would not believe you were capable of such massive accomplishments, you would not believe that you could be surrounded by this much love, despite your lack of confidence. You are, though. If you do not have confidence, do not fear. We will make it through this absent time, season, or eternity. It is not confidence that keeps me present in conversations or attempting movement in even the weakest of times. It is assurance, proof, and fact. I know that, in spite of every anxiety induced and doubtful thought, everything will be okay. I will be alright. We will be alright.
Do you struggle with confidence? How do you feel about my poetic take on my ‘friend’? How have you changed over the years? Tell me all your thoughts below and be sure to subscribe! I appreciate all suggestions and shares, if you have enjoyed my page. See you later!