Isn’t it intriguing how one moment in your life you can have people safely in your arms, nothing but mutual admiration of each other’s simple existence, and the next they are as far away as they could possibly be? How frail human companionship is, and quite frankly, a bit indolent. We spend our hours connecting, growing close to one another. We build shared reverence and appreciation. Yet, within the blink of an eye, the shift has been completed and you are no longer secured in association. It’s heart-rending, no? To wrap your mind around that concept? To remember the endearment you clasped and how, truly short lived its life seemed to be? Maybe to some it is not – it is rather simple and uncomplicated to swing from one relationship to the next and back again. Perhaps you are the exact ones I write this article in address to.
For those who it isn’t, I feel there are really only two explanations. I believe many choose to avoid such thoughts, upon presentation, to minimize impact. The remaining, most likely, are the optimistically delusional that follow the hopeful philosophy of every encounter being a good encounter. Not to say the ones whom fall under these categories are wrong in any manner, to stride in such direction. I do pray however, that each of you are aware of where you lie on the attachment spectrum and also, the locations of those you draw nearer to you. You see, while we should always take care of ourselves and make sure that we are happy and healthy, sometimes we must place ourselves secondary, contrary today’s popular belief.. Sometimes, we must learn to put others before ourselves, prior to our own self-healing. Pondering how an action may harm someone else, rather than how it may benefit ourselves, keeps us mindful that it may be our lives, but it is not our world. We do not control every bit of air that intrudes upon our space nor – more relevant to the subject – the feelings of others. There is a quote that I hear quite often, in variations.
“Put yourself first on the to-do list every single day and the rest will fall into place.”
I do not agree with this in the slightest. If we put ourselves before others every day, we build a habit – a nasty habit of assuming we are the innocent because that is how we feel. Take a moment to reflect on the people surrounding you, before you make a decision that may not be retractable. Consider how something may seem small, but in reality, is just the tip of the iceberg. If you blind yourself to only viewing the world as black and white, it becomes just that. You no longer acknowledge the splendors of vibrancy and luminosity, but instead, view life in the same reclusive colors. You become numbed to sacrifice and forgo tremendous loss of intimacy. Putting yourself first is not invariably an unwise decision to make. It can very simply become such with exorbitant application, though. Many are under the impression that foremost implementation of ourselves produces this incredible sense of automatic concession to loving ourselves and acquiring a healthy self-esteem. However, placing ourselves before others does not form absolute contentedness or solve our greatest troubles; that is found in the medleys of what life and Christ sets before us.
I do, truthfully, envy such detached persons- on occasion – and their conscious and/or unconscious ability to reject the weight thought holds. I, for one, have never grasped such a capability – more accurately – an astonishing gift, in some cases, and thus am left, quite frequently, with the harrowing torment of the loss. Some have described me as “extremely thoughtful and committed to my friendships” – which, honestly, I feel is the sugar-coated version of “a bit paranoid and clingy”. Others have taken the less tactful route and chronicled me as “too sensitive” and I should “just move on”- where my resistant undertones kick into high gear and reassure my better judgement that I would much rather love too much than not give an interest or endeavor, in the least bit. I, personally, would depict myself as perceptive of the actions of myself and others, as well as fairly sentimental. While I struggle frequently with internal groveling and winces of pain regarding many events pertaining to my past and anxiety induced downward cascades to the bottom-most parts of regret and absolute cringe, I still would not change how my life has played out or how my mind responds, even if I could. If we went around altering our lives as we pleased, who would we be? What would we know? You can wish for the world but that does not make it yours. I have spent a lot of my time, wasted at that, wishing. Wanting so much, I forgot to enjoy what I had. Desiring so strongly that I allowed myself to bypass the realization that there might be the grimmest chance that this is who I am supposed to be. The person who replays how she said three words in her head, over and over, is who I am and while it seems completely contemptible the majority of the times, I have abounded far beyond anything I could have been taught because of it. The moments I have spent agonizing, taught and continue to teach me about patience, love, trust, kindness, selflessness, and so much more. These moments- mere flashes in the grand scheme of things- although they seem impossible at first light, they are very much possible and so very worth it. They are worth the conflict, worth the time stolen, and worth the perseverance. I would not be the same without them.
I’d be delighted to hear any questions or comments from those of you who may be reading this. How do you deal with loss? Are you sentimental or do you let go easily? Please tell me below. I’m very sorry that I missed Monday and that this is a day late! Monday I was just getting back from travels and, honestly, time has seriously gotten away from me this week. I appreciate all of the people that read this and I will see you Monday! ( For real this time, haha. )