I am no stranger to this word. Many years flew by in which this word was drilled into my mind mercilessly. “Weak, weak, weak”, they whispered so confidently, to my ever listening ears. I had prided myself on standing for the truth, but I did not realize such deception could sound so sweet. They wooed me into believing false standards and expectations, spewing back that hateful word when I inevitably failed. I have learned, despite all the misleading voices, when something is truly a weakness and/or when I am actually being weak. I have many areas in which I struggle with feeling ‘weak’ but I do know, now, a few that are genuine in evoking my vulnerabilities and the title, “weak”.
“I’m sorry”, I hear for the millionth time, followed by a half hearted excuse. My insides sink and I know within me that what they are apologizing for is insincere, but take it as true in hope that things will change, things will get better somehow. They are my friends, right? They love me. Why else would they still be alongside me, this far along? Hope misplaced, I am disappointed once more. I have placed unfair standards on their shoulders, after all. They deserve more than my unreasonable attachment issues. Hurt by the lack of any apology at all, this time, I brush it off with several excuses, all in one fail swoop. They are not the ones that need to change. I am the one that needs the real work here, I convince myself next. Apologies are my weak spot, a definite point in need of improvement. Unlike a majority of persons, struggling to forgive, I forgive unusually easily and with far too much potency. Not that the act itself is easy, but a necessary instinct my heart has instilled, over the years. Forgiveness is a valuable thing to achieve, but not if that forgiveness leads to reverted faith in an untrustworthy person. Forgiveness should be felt within the heart and of a situation, not an excuse to continue an unhealthy one. This is where I fall short. My heart forgives, but trusts too soon and in turn, holds a sharp ache which all too quickly, reopens many of the gruelingly raw wound, left behind, subsequently leaving me in shambles.
What should I plan for their birthday? Should I call them? They haven’t been feeling well, maybe I should do something to help make them feel better. It’s been awhile since I’ve surprised them with a gift. These are all sentences I have thought to myself, while other people- I considered close friends- failed to even consider sending me a card. I’m not complaining, don’t get me wrong, but I feel if you truly care about someone, your actions will speak for themselves. I have always been a hard worker, a “go getter”, as my mother would put it- and this has certainly made me a diligent friend in how much I am putting out. Sadly, not everyone follows the same scripture as I, of “Do unto others, as you would want them to do unto you.” This- although in often circumstances beneficial- is a severe battle for me to not leave it only to myself to support a friendship.. You see, I am the type of person that, when they see something broken or in need of something, I do what I can to fix or help a situation. I have found there are very few left in this world that function in that same way. People would much rather be handed their success and happiness than have to work for the things they desire. You would think most would realize when you are go, go, going all the time to please them, or make your relationship better, “Hey, maybe I should step my game up a little bit. Maybe I should exert just a little bit more.” I regret to inform you, this is very much, not the case. No, in fact, when they see others trying ten times the amount they are, I believe what plays through their minds is something along these lines, “Well, if she’s got all of this covered..” and “Wow, she must really enjoy taking care of these type of things.” This leaves me single handedly, attempting to hold something together that I hadn’t even realized was scheduled for destruction, and overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility that is solely placed on my shoulders.
Lastly- and this is the greatest of my blind spots- when others express affection. And I know what you’re thinking, “Man, this chick’s got some attachment issues.” Well, you’re not exactly far from the truth, to be quite honest. At the least, I can feel some sort of indication or warning in my brain that something is wrong, concerning the others. With this, I frequently overlook it as something of apprehension. I am not sure why exactly, but affection has always been a particular soft spot for me. Now, slow your thought process down a bit before I finish here. I am fully capable and aware of the appropriate times to let people go. I am, also, very much in tune with reading people. As in, I know when someone is exaggerating something or pretending they care, far more than they actually do. I don’t want you to perceive me as a foolish girl, absent-mindedly trusting every soul that gives me the time of day. That is not, in the slightest, what I am about. I simply have a point of weakness when it comes to people genuinely showing sentiment. When someone I have invested in, takes that extra step to say, ”Hey, I give a crap.” it is a confirmation, of sorts, to me that they (a.) actually do care and (b.) intend to stick around a little while. I suppose if that were the case though, I would not be here writing this today, would I? No, instead, they would much rather station themselves for awhile and when I become less than convenient or overly enjoyable, to their standards they chug on.
The thing is, my weaknesses only hurt me. Everything can be overdone and grow beyond just a “weakness” but, the majority of times, is that not true for most? Three of mine alone, for the most part only affect me. Take a certain food or drink weakness, for another example, we are the ones that frown upon our slightly pouching stomachs or beat ourselves down because we indulged. How about shopping? Yeah, it may not be the greatest for our bank accounts but we feel guilt for giving in. We are constantly reinventing new ways to torture ourselves. Why though? What for? We fight sickness, work jobs, take care of kids, help our friends, we do so much in this world and yet, we torment ourselves for being the exact people who did every one of those tasks. We are the people that still go to uncomfortable family gatherings and wear ugly sweaters because someone you love gave it to you, out of thought. We are the people that integrated an entire country and put a man on the moon. We are so far beyond “weak”, that word does not even deserve to be associated with humanity. I’m not sure I would even say we have weaknesses, in fact. No, I don’t think I will accept that word, any longer. Every single person on this God loved planet, has points of improvement. Yes, that has a nice ring to it. You see, because we are not weak. We are fully capable of adaption, change, forgiveness, generosity, motivation, love, and so very much. “Weak” is not even in the ballpark. It doesn’t even come close. We will not think weak, because that implies retrogression. We will have points of improvement because revitalization is essential.
Do you struggle with internal views clouding reality? How have you grown stronger over the years? What was your point of improvement? Tell me below, as always! Sorry this is a day late but hey, better late than never!
Citations: The Bible (lol)